I did not think I would be posting this so quickly after announcing our pregnancy, but this past weekend, we lost our baby girl.
We have been in Virginia for about a week for a Cragun family reunion. On Wednesday, we traveled to DC to attend Jake's brother's wedding. That was the last time I remember her moving in my belly. As we walked around sight seeing that next day, I tried to feel something from her, anything...but told myself she was fine and that is was just my paranoia. That Friday morning I did a session at the DC temple and started to feel more uneasy. I didn't say anything to my husband and proceeded on with the wedding plans for the day. My brother-in-law's wedding was that evening and when I got back to the hotel, I knew that she was gone. I still could not tell my husband of my surety, and tried to hold my composure as I expressed my concern to him, but was emotionally not alright. He tried to comfort me and tell me that everything is fine--as usually everything is in these situations. I stayed awake literally the entire night rolling back and forth pressing on my stomach, trying to get some movement for her. My stomach felt squishy instead of firm like normal.
Jake woke up that next morning and said that he knew something was wrong by the look he saw on my face. He went to his parent's hotel room and discussed the matter with them. Jake's dad has a brother who is an OB, and he suggested we go to the ER and get a stress test on the baby. I received a blessing from Jake and his dad before leaving. Jake said that he wanted to be able to say that our baby girl would be fine, but as he began to say those words, he was forced to stop and change his sentence. He instead blessed me strength and comfort. In fact he said those words several times throughout the blessing. When the blessing was finished he looked at me with tears in his eyes and I think he also knew what we were about to hear at the hospital.
The ER got us right in. The hooked me up to a fetal monitor, but no heartbeat was heard. The nurses and doctor were trying to be hopeful and kept saying things like, "Wait, I think I hear something." and "Maybe our machine is broken." But I knew. We then proceeded to the ultrasound room where we heard the devastating news out loud, "I am sorry Mr. and Mrs. Cragun, there is no fluid surrounding the baby and no heartbeat detected." As the nurse left the room, I lost it. I felt immense pressure on my chest and had difficulty breathing. I couldn't lay still and wanted to get out of that hospital as quickly as I could. My entire body ached as I knew that the life inside me had died.
My in laws were on their way to Pittsburgh for the wedding reception when they immediately turned around and came back to be with us. We all drove back to Virginia that night to prepare for the delivery that next morning.
Sunday morning was rough. I awoke around 6 am but could not get out of bed until around 9:30. I knew that today was the day that I would lose a part of me. My father-in-law is the chief of medicine at the hospital in Roanoke, so we were able to get right in and immediately begin prepping for the c-section. It was recommended to me by several doctors that a c-section would be best-even though the baby was small-because I've had three previous c-sections.
Part of me wanted to get all of this over with, while a bigger part wanted her to stay right where she was. I requested that they use general anesthesia (which would put me all the way out) instead of a spinal, because i just didn't think I'd have the strength to be awake when they removed her...I knew I would hear silence instead of a newborn cry and my heart wouldn't be able to take it.
We wanted to officially name her before I went in to surgery. I had been debating between Jaida and Mia for the past 3 months, but neither one of those names seemed to fit. Elizabeth came to mind and I knew that was it, it sounded angelic to me.
Elizabeth was delivered around 4:50 pm. She was 2 lbs. 2 oz. and was 15 inches long. I woke up about an hour a half later and she was the first thing I saw. She was dressed in a beautiful pink dress and wrapped in a pink crochet blanket that I had chosen before being wheeled into the O.R. She looked peaceful and calm. She had a little bit of each of my boys in her face. She had Logan's nose, Chase's mouth and Tanner's long fingers and toes.
I was able to spend about 3 hours of alone time with Elizabeth. I sang songs to her, talked with her and prayed with her. I told her over and over again how sorry I was that I could not keep her safe. I hated my body for not being able to protect her enough for her to come to this beautiful earth. I knew without a doubt that she was listening to every word that I was saying. I said one final prayer before I said my final good-bye. I felt immense comfort and peace during this time. As I spoke words to my Heavenly Father, I truly felt Him weep with me. I knew that He was hurting as much as I was. I never blamed the Lord or became angry and always knew that he was a kind God, but to actually feel Him cry as I cried was an experience I will always remember. As most people turn away from the Lord with an experience like this, I have never felt closer.
We are having a small burial service for Elizabeth this week, here in Virginia since this is where she died. My sweet sister in laws and mother in law got her a beautiful blessing gown for her to be buried in and Jake found a beautiful pink and white blanket with an angel embroidered on it.
The hardest part has been telling our two oldest boys. Before we went to have her delivered we prepped the boys by telling them that Baby Sister was sick and we were going to the hospital to see the doctors. Tanner asked, "If she gets too sick will she have to go back to Heaven? That would be okay because I kind of want another brother so there won't be barbie dolls around the house." Jake came home the night of the surgery and took Tanner outside to tell him what had happened. As he explained to Tanner that she indeed, had to go back to Heaven he broke down. He felt bad for saying what he had said earlier and told Jake, "I really
did want a baby sister, Dad, I really did." They just held each other and cried. He also said, "I bet I know what happened. Mom has been telling us that we need to have better manners because a sister was coming, and we haven't done that yet. Maybe Elizabeth didn't want to see that."
Logan asked me tonight where "sister" was because he noticed my belly was smaller. He loved this baby. Every time he walked past me the last few months he would brush my tummy and casually say, "Hi baby." Sometimes he would share food with me and tell me that it was for sister or he'd accidentally bump into my belly and say, "Oh, sorry baby." He talked about her more than any of us did. So, we took him in a room and tried to explain what had happened. It was more difficult since he doesn't have the language capacity yet to fully understand. We told him that sister got really sick and had to go live back with Jesus. He looked at my belly and hugged Jake tight. Jake and I both sobbed as we saw how much Logan really understood.
I have been recovering much faster with this c-section than my other three, I know that this is a blessing to better help me cope and get through my grief.
My husband has really been my rock this past week. The trials that we have been given through our children have made him a gentler, yet stronger man for me and my sons. We have cried together, prayed together and sometimes just held each other. He said last night, "I guess Heavenly Father thought we needed an angel to watch over us and now we have one." Tomorrow is our anniversary, Happy 9 years, Honey...I love you!
I will be staying here in Virginia for about another week and a half and Jake will leave next week to get back to work. I am dreading going back home to be reminded of the little girl that we left in Virginia. We had just began to prepare for her before we left on our vacation and seeing her little onesies or cute pink socks may bring this to a reality again.
We appreciate all of your well wishes and how you have cried with us. Please don't be offended if we don't call you back, it has been difficult to talk about our loss, as it has only been a few days. We are truly lucky to be loved by such great friends and family.
