Today I ran into a friend of mine that I haven't seen in almost a year. She told me she had heard about what had happened with my baby, then quickly apologized for bringing the matter up and changed the subject.
The truth is, she didn't remind me what had happened, in fact, I never forgot. It is on my mind every moment of every day. I actually kind of wanted to talk about my daughter, I appreciate it when others acknowledge that she existed, that she was real.
I received a fantastic book from a friend of mine last week about a women (Grandy) who is grieving over a terrible loss. There is a paragraph in it that I love. It says, "
Grandy knew she didn't have to be careful what she said around her friend, Midge. Midge wouldn't try to talk her out of anything she was feeling. And Grandy could even laugh and not worry that Midge would assume Grandy was over her grief." Things are pretty much back to normal around here, but that doesn't mean we still don't have the pain. I am truly lucky to have a few "Midges" in my life right now.
I also have my sister, despite going through her own struggles, who calls me almost daily to make sure I am alright without ever once complaining about her own situation.
I am still working through the grieving process, but find my self extremely distracted and forgetful lately. Things are getting easier, but I still have those moments when it hits me that my baby girl is not with me on this earth. I'm trying to be the same Celeste I was before August 16th, but a part of me is gone and so everything is different.
My cousin lost her baby boy about 6 months ago, when she was pregnant. I ached for her then, and now, even more so as I can maybe understand what she may be experiencing. She has been so great to email me often to check up on me and I am grateful for that. She found this letter that she posted, and I felt it fit my feelings exactly...
My dear Family & Friends,I have experienced a loss that is devastating to me. It will take time, perhaps years, for me to work through the grief I feel because of this loss. I will cry more than usual for some time. My tears are not a sign of weakness or a lack of hope or faith. They are the symbols of the depth of my loss and the sign that I am recovering. I may become angry without seeming to have a reason for it. My emotions are heightened by the stress of grief. Please be forgiving if I seem irrational at times. I need your understanding and your presence more than anything else. If you don’t know what to say, just touch me or give me a hug to let me know you care. Please don’t wait for me to call you. I am often too tired to even think of reaching out for the help I need. Don’t allow me to withdraw from you. I need you more than ever during the next year. Pray for me only if your prayer is not an order for me to make you feel better. My faith does not excuse me from the grief process. If you have had an experience of loss that seems anything like mine, please share it with me. You will not make me feel worse. This loss is one of the worst things that could happen to me. But I will get through it and I will live again. I will not always feel as I do now. I will laugh again. Thank you for caring about me. Your concern is a gift I treasure.
