it's weird.

elizabeth at 18 weeks

it's a weird feeling to have someone missing from your family. i've had that feeling before, like every time i felt it was time to have another baby. but this time, the feeling is different. someone actually is missing. there are moments in the car when i turn around to help the boys with something and i expect to see an extra car seat there. i forget that she's not here with us.
the empty chair at the dinner table stares at me every meal. in some way, i want to fill it as soon as possible, but on the other hand, i keep thinking it's her chair and if i fill it with someone else...it's no longer hers.
i see the empty frame on the wall that we hung up (to fill with her picture) right before we lost her. i can't bring myself to take it down. so there it hangs, without a picture.
it's been about six months since we delivered her stillborn. My little girl would have been 4 months old this month..my favorite "baby" age. I miss her. i find myself talking to her sometimes and i know she is watching over us. although i fail daily, i have tried to be a better mother, wife and friend. i find it difficult at times, because since she left us i find myself more tired, less patient and slightly more irritable than normal. at the end of the day, that frustrates me but i am always grateful for another chance, another day. i know that she is waiting for us, and i want to make her proud.