again...

i am doing it again. i am growing another human.  it's a different feeling this time around.  it's a different feeling carrying a baby after losing one.  the excitement of adding to our family is trying to creep in, but the anxiety and fear of "it" happening again is too strong.  because i had a 7 week miscarriage 5 months ago, i was first concerned about miscarrying again, but now that i am into my second trimester, the thought of repeating elizabeth's situation occupies my mind.  

i knew it would be hard, especially since it's not even been a year since we buried elizabeth, but the constant fear that the tightness or cramping or lack of morning sickness is a bad sign, is consuming me.  

people around me talk about when the baby is born and i keep thinking "if the baby is born."  terrible, i know.

i keep thinking, how dare i not have more faith that all is going to be well...but i'm working on that.  through constant prayer and priesthood blessings, i am working on that.  I really want to enjoy this pregnancy.  especially since it is my last one.


regardless of what happens, i know that my Heavenly Father is mindful of me, especially during this time.  i have felt his love and watchful care.  i get to experience the joy of preparing for a baby, through my 3 boys, everyday.  chase is constantly rubbing by belly, logan talks about where the baby will sleep and what color hair it will have and tanner always asks to see the ultrasound pictures and what fruit the baby is the same size as this month!

i love this baby and look forward to feeling him/her grow over the next few months.