Mustache Poetry

I am posting this a little late, but this is from the Henriod's annual, holiday "Mustache Party". It was held in Utah this year and we were glad we could see everyone again. Part of the tradition is the reading of the mustache poetry. Here is Jared Lee with, "If My Mustache Were..." written by Jared Lee and inspired by the album "Stone Cold Rhythm" by Young MC (thanks Romneys, for documenting) It is hard to hear at times, so this may help...
If my mustache were a soldier, it would be Rambo
If my mustache were a workout, it would be Tae-Bo
If my mustache were shoes, it would be Versace
If my mustache were a pianist, it would be Liberace
If my mustache were a movie, it would be Dumb and Dumber
If my mustache were an SUV, it would be a Hummer
If my mustache were a coat, it would be made of fur
If my mustache were a martini, it would be shaken not stirred
If my mustache were a formal, it would be an Armani Tuxedo
If my mustache were a weapon, it would be an atomic torpedo
If my mustache were a missionary, it would be AP
If my mustache were a traveler, it would be Rick Steve
If my mustache were a comic book, it would be Hammer of Thor
If my mustache were for high cholesterol, it would be Lipitor
If my mustache were a Landlord, it would be Mr. Roper
If my mustache were on Batman, it would be the Joker
If my mustache were a job, it would be a Dentist
If my mustache were on the Office, it would be Dr. Crentist
If my mustache were a jacket, it would be made of leather
If my mustache were a burden, it would be light as a feather
If my mustache were a gun, it would be an Uzi
If my mustache were a pool, it would be a jacuzzi
If my mustache were a wedgie, it would be a Full Melvin
If my mustache were cold, it would be 0 Kelvin
If my mustache were an action hero, it would be Chuck Norris
If my mustache were a Russian, it would be Yeltsin, Borris
If my mustache were jeans, it would be tapered and tight
If my mustache were love, it would go all night.